a vent. yes, another one.

fuck off, i don't have to consider anyone but myself (and by extension my landlord, the ppl who guarantee that i get paid, the utility companies, and on occasion my mother) in everything i do

stop asking me the same question repeatedly. it makes you look stupid and makes me see red. your ineptitude astounds me.

just because i said i'm not fucking anyone as of late doesn't mean i'm gonna jump on the first thing moving. that's lame. it's called a desperation fuck, or on that receiving person's end, a pity fuck. that's not okay. i'm better than anyone's pity.

stop that shit. now. leave it alone already. the dead horse can be pummeled but so much more.

it's really not okay to keep asking me about poetry readings. i fuck with sunni patterson and nobody else. dig? chances are she isn't what you want. love jones is a nearly fifteen-year-old film. quit already. shit.

i don't like sitting in a hot ass seat on the train. the only thing i dislike more: having a hotass person sit practically on top of me when they take the seat next to mine on the train. ew. i become slightly homicidal.

your man is ugly. that's why i'm staring.

confession saturday:

- i ate like a half lb of cheese the other day btwn some cabot extra sharp vermont white for brunch and 2 slices of sexy pizza. i loved every second of it. casein is addictive.

- in my mind, i fathom the reaction at my job to my resignation next year.

- i love listening to 'weird' music at work. it pisses TKON off.

- i'm opposed to observing my food allergies most of the time, but i hate feeling sick more than anything else so i usually stay on top of my shit.

- i sometimes hate how gregarious i am, especially when ppl i almost never talk to ask me for help.

- i freak out on the regular when my sister calls me, because she always sounds so distressed. i fear that one day she's gonna tell me something really bad.

- i still wish i lived with my family sometimes. living alone, no matter how small or large the apartment can be lonely from time to time.

- i used to try to get fired from my day job so i could collect unemployment and go back to school. now i'm waiting for layoffs so i can volunteer.

- i want my mom to live forever.

- i'm glad my father doesn't try to talk to us anymore. i'm the only one who'd ever let him really hear what he needs to, and i don't think it's anything that should ever actually come out of my mouth.

- as much of a snob as i am, i'm the first one to call someone a snooty bitch.

- i get uptight when black owned businesses shut down and white owned ones replace them.

- moving to west philly is the only thing that kept me from running away to new york

- i'm scared to death to be in a serious relationship right now.

- conversely, all i want is someone to be cuddled up with

- i'm trying to fight back against the depression that consumed me for 3 years. it feels nearly impossible some days.

- having ppl hang onto my every word is a power trip as much as it is nerve wracking.

- i still don't understand why i'm supposed to be afraid of god.

i'm alive.

busy.
not spending nearly as much time writing as i'd like to, but sometimes you have to read some good shit in order to write some good shit.
i discovered a new band & pineapple upside down bread pudding.

now?

watching real sex, reading some good shit courtesy of mama gena & oyin
giving myself permission to open myself up to what has the potential to be a really fantastic time.

as the sun warms this portion of the world & as a result my cold bones, i see what's on the horizon. it makes me smile.

& maybe i'll learn to wine properly this summer.

swagger jacked

from the butch caucus
(it wouldn't let me customize the title i wanted, so i chose ninja instead of typing in "boocakes," "jawn," or "jumpoff")



and you know i'm dead ass serious, right?

i don't know what i wanna write about.

there's so, so, so much.
the crush
work
the baby thing (again!), which probably just requires that i get crafty more often
the sense of urgency i feel every time someone asks me how old i am now
isiah thomas' dumb ass
the mercury retrograde and the mars retrograde
my proclivity toward spending money instead of stacking it, & its direct relationship to stress
how much i'd rather be having sex than blogging (or anything else for that matter)
. . . yeah.

there's a lot.

but i just paid my 'lectric bill -- the full amount!!!
about to look into that good gas bill, see if i can't work out an auto debit thing
it's all okay
i'ma be aight
i might even come to bklyn for the day on saturday . . .

my internet is still having issues.

i refuse to traverse afar just so i can use someone else's internet, & it seems that the ppl i can mooch off of around here have worse connections than i do. so, what i'll end up doing, yet again, is writing bits & pieces of blog entries in hopes that i can come back to actually post them later. that seems to be an impossibility at the moment but i do plan to post up w/ good ol' gertrude (my laptop) at the cafe down the block. yay. they don't even get mad when ppl mooch their electricity. good.

so that means i'll be back later, maybe this evening, to write a few things. i feel like my creative juices don't flow very well when i'm not at home, though. maybe i can remedy that, too.

meh: an update.

1) i'm paying earthlink for internet service. earthlink is cheap. earthlink is trying to make this city wireless. you get what you pay for. i am beyond annoyed. i can't even blog from home! gah.

2) there is a major scandal brewing at my job. i work in human resources, & that basically means that the inspector general is gonna be down our throats sooner as opposed to later. not just the HR manager. like, the whole office might get called before whomever wants to know about us. lordy be. i'm keeping a low ass profile at the gig. i'm crazy but not stupid. i need to pay close attn & keep my ear to the ground, f'real.

3) i would rather be fucking. seeeeeriously. you have no idea.

4) i discovered that there's been a four legged creature visiting my apartment. i will kill it, like i did the other one. sorry. if you don't pay rent & aren't a welcomed domesticated creature you have to go.

5) i found out that someone i don't fuck with like that is not only friends w/ someone else i don't fuck with like that, but that they both seem to think the world of me & want me to kick it wiht them, despite my apparent demonstration of not-wanting-to-fuck-with-them-ness. (yeah, i know.) i want them to be clear on my unwillingness to be bothered, without my having to scream or gnash my teeth. wish me luck.

6) i'm gonna start giving ppl 3 days to pay for bath products. i am not about to waste my life force making salts/ bombs (especially damn bombs) for ppl who don't seem to understand that they need to pay for what they order when they say they will. this especially applies to the girl in my office who waited 3 weeks to tell me she didn't have $6 for some bath salts. wtf? boo, i know you don't have it. that's why i didn't bring them shits to your desk... & don't think i'm giving you a sample or freebie cuz i feel bad. it's your prerogative to spend bath salts money on mcdonald's, the same way it's mine to take these joints home to take a bath with. holler.

7) amy winehouse's first album is so drastically different (sonically) from her first that she almost sounds like a different person. it's kinda sad, like on some carmen mcrae shit.

8) that being said, keyshia cole needn't be on the cover of the new essence. that's vomitous. falcor the luck dragon made the cover before they found a "down" white woman? i'm not buying that shit, kid. (if you don't know i'm joking please let this be your warning. but something about keyshia cole makes me itch incessantly. i don't know what it is.)

9) riesling is something that i never should have discovered. i love it so much that i wanna name all my babies riesling. really.

10) tomorrow (really today) i go for allergy tests. oh, lord. if i find out that i've got celiac disease i'm gonna cry a LOT. then i'm gonna find out how to make bread out of not-wheat. yeah. that's a word i just made up.

11) knowing that a girlfriend of mine is pregnant, two friends are going through divorces, & that most of my attached friends are either having drama or dating complete loons has made me feel much better about rolling solo. it sucks when i wanna cuddle on the sofa, but screw all that emo crap. i'm bad all by myself.

12) i just got cayenne pepper up my nose. damn.

13) my crush probably doesn't know he's my crush, & that's okay.

14) season 4 of the wire on dvd soon. YES! more cutty. thanks, netflix!

15) i'm one day going to be a homeowner. that's neat.

i haven't done this in years, literally:

friday five:


Imagine you are on your deathbed. Recommend to those who remain in your life...

1) One book to read.
~ sassafrass, cypress & indigo by ntozake shange

2) One movie to watch.
~ bus 174

3) One food to eat.
~ fresh mango.

4) One place to go.
~ the desert.

5) One life lesson to leave behind.
~ if you believe that you're god's child, treat others like they are, too.

messin w/ the camera phone again

i dunno
i was bored
& honestly, i was avoiding doing laundry (note the crumpled dress under my head, next to the pillow)

my hair looks like kiwi fuzz. lmao. i need either a haircut or some serious dedication to growing my 'fro out. at the moment i'm considering hollering at the malian sisters who braid hair in my neighborhood. i think i could bring back the kanekalon or body wave 10 inch for a few months. maybe. i'm not patient enough to sit for microbraids anymore. lol.

my new favorite song.

leaving it all behind, by ladybug mecca.
yes, that ladybug mecca.

love it. it reflects just how i feel about 75% of my life right now.
take the link & run with it! it expires after 15 consecutive days of no download, so, please get your mind right. lol.

for the first time in like a week, i'm late to work. but i had to shower before leaving the house. lol.

i'm really tired

i'm not going to work. my stupid-visor actually told me that i needed to be in today if i'm working OT. ho are you smoking blue rocks? the OT isn't mandatory to begin with. & nothing in that place is as important to me as my gotdamn paycheck. get your mind right, please.

i'm ruled by my mood, the level of bliss i have in my life, & the way the wind is blowing at any given time. just because i'm there monday through friday doesn't mean i (a) give a shit, or (b) want to be there. i'm beat. i didn't feel like getting up early to be annoyed by the cavalcade of coonery or the parade of plum foolishness. so i'm gonna clean my apt a bit, hang out w/ my mommy (i never DO that anymore, fuckin around w/ that job) & then hopefully go kick it w/ riley.

i'm so not with the bullshit today.

so let me get my oatmeal & get the day started.

soundtrack: osn podcast #2 (unreleased) - by dj brainchild.*







can i get a track listing, bill? please? thank you. you know i love you to pieces.

okay, i get it:

i have to stay a little while longer. even though i don't want to. even though every day i find myself thinking that i'm gonna have to run away to new york or pick up all my shit & hide out at my mom's house for 8 weeks of intensive "i can't really hack it as a grownup" therapy (better known as working the same fucked up 12 hour days no fewer than 4 days per week, not paying ANYone's bills except my own, looking for a new job on craigslist & watching a lot of crappy tv w/ my sisters). it's really obvious. it is. i complained rather audibly to one of my at-work play auntie type coworkers & then in the afternoon, what happened? my division manager announced that basically she wants to utilize the knowledge of myself & some other support staff to turn us into . . . wait for it . . . are you ready? paraprofessionals. i know! basically she wants to find a way, even within the civil service system (which, though it is not inherently racist but definitely antiquated & still fucked up), to pay us what we're worth. make sure that our skills & awareness don't go to waste & ooze out of our ears. that's what her predecessor did. constantly. i can't say i'm terribly excited, because this is not where i wanna be for the rest of my life. i don't even wanna hit the five year mark (the very idea makes me nauseous as shit) at this place when i never intended to stay beyond two. at the same time, i've been itching for the opportunity to be smart for a living -- to really know that i come to work & use the talents i already have.
i complained & got a very obvious response. i'm like . . . okay, but i don't have forever. & i don't care who's a great coworker, who has my back, who really looks out . . . i hate complacency.
& i feel kinda complacent.
i don't wanna give this place the rest of my life, so i won't. i don't want to fester & just sit & stagnate. so i won't allow myself to.

& i'm having the hardest time understanding what might be on the horizon in regard to the work situation, but i'm gonna shut the hell up & say thank you. i just know what i really want deep down inside. i'm tryna learn patience so i don't rush into it just so i can say "i quit my day job to do this!"
cuz let's face it, i need to get the money up. there are folks i want to include in my plan who are currently doing other shit (hey karas!). there isn't any way i'm gonna even feel okay doing this without a few crucial things having been taken care of first.
i don't know wtf is going on
but i know the universe answered me before i even got to finish bitching.

adupe-o.

my new e-crush

is heather armstrong, of dooce.com. she is hilarious & sounds like someone i'd love to sit down and talk shit with over a cup of something intoxicating. i found the link on atlanta's blog. i giggled heartily at heather's biography & find her writing style to be overall enjoyable. cute. snarky. not unlike myself.

i was gonna spend some time bitching about how my whole outfit today (minus the undies) is from damn old navy. because there's one right near my job & they have the ill clearance rack AND plus-sized clothes that don't look supercheap, matronly, or otherwise bad on me. even though their shit is cut funny, i have a good time overall w/ my sweatshop threads from that place. then i was gonna start bitching about how they're moving all the plus-sized clothes to the online store and no longer carrying them shits in-store. that is depressing, insulting, and hella inconvenient. i can't tool about in the internet on my lunch break. i can't try on clothes when i'm bored via my laptop. BOO, old navy. shame on you. this is worse than when h&m got rid of their plus clothes and acted like broads weren't buying the shit. *sigh*
it doesn't matter cuz btwn the IBS & my possible gluten sensitivity, i'm finna be on kelly price status: i'll drop crazy weight & then the only thing still huge on me will be my arse. lol.

anyway, i gotta go to work.

i don't feel

like writing. again.

hiatus #4534982040.

call me if you need me or wonder how i am.

i hate funerals

part #54890.

i don't like the fact that i have to bury another loved one.
it's really hard for me to sit through church services as it is -- i've never been one to sit for hours on end while being preached to -- & staring at a casket is just no shit i'm ever gonna be comfortable doing. i'm typically annoyed at funerals, because they never seem to be for or about the decedent. i can't stand it. i don't know what i'd prefer instead. i just . . . hate the viewings & parading past the corpse. i hate the whole process, really. i don't know of an alternative. i only know that the ceremony of a funeral does nothing to ease my grief. & the more i think about it, the less i sense that it eases anyone's grief at all. it's not that i have a solution to the problem. grief can last you for the rest of your life.
i'm just sayin
i'd rather not get dressed up to have the last visual memory i have of someone be that someone in a casket, looking like a contorted, waxy version of themselves. i'd rather not watch ppl say their last goodbyes -- i've always felt that was entirely too personal. i don't need to see anyone kissing their parent goodbye. it's not for me.

& i don't know what i'll do when it comes time to bury my mother or grandfather. i'll have to cross that bridge when i get to it.

for now, i've got to get ready to say peace to monae.

i feel like writing again today.

after a really good, short wknd in new york i've had time to reflect on some things. thankfully, it's all come out (relatively) coherently.

redemption means the act, process, or an instance of redeeming. to redeem, by definition, is to release from blame or debt, to change for the better, to free from the consequences of sin, to repair or restore (those are just a few of the numerous definitions). in general terms, to redeem is to right a wrong, to restore balance & order. i used to struggle almost incessantly w/ the concept of redeeming myself. i was nearly obsessed with changing folks' perceptions of me, or at least making myself very clear about certain things. the last thing i wanted was to be misunderstood, or have folks decide for me who i was. it was a constant thing w/ me. always, always, always trying to slay every dragon & lay misconceptions to rest. if i didn't leave a big tip at a restaurant, i was freaking out because i didn't want my server to think i was a rude or cheap person. it was getting out of hand.

of course, as i've lived more life i've come to realize something. regardless of my intention, ppl will think what they want to. they will take offense or think i'm noble regardless of what ithink of what i'm doing. simple enough, right? i can only ever be myself & do me. if that changes how someone thinks/ feels about me or anything else, so be it. also, my motto is "it's not that serious." think what you wanna, we both have shit to do & lives to lead. it's not that serious. ever. i can't stop dead in my tracks because someone doesn't like me. i can try to hash out differences w/ folks & sometimes you gotta agree to disagree. but that's okay. i don't have to redeem myself because someone thinks the sky is green when i say it's blue. i'm not gonna put all that energy into making someone understand me when it's clear they aren't able to or just don't wanna. that doesn't cause me to care any less about maintaining my own standards. but, i suppose that since human beings are social there'll always be part of me desires connection w/ others . . . & an extension of that would be the reflection of my values by others, or a validation by others. it ultimately doesn't matter as much as being at peace w/ my life, i do know that much.

i think that maybe redemption was so important to me because the feelings i'd get from being misunderstood were so greatly & deeply troubling for me. maybe i've watched the last scene of the color purple one time too damn many & thought i'd have a touching moment in the sunset, playing hand games w/ my long lost redemption as justice, fairness, honesty, righteousness, & peace watched us from the porch of a big old farm house. i never got it, though. i'd battle w/ ppl, raise the most miniscule points, & badger them w/ what i thought they should believe about me. it was wasteful of my time & energy. i spent so much time trying to correct folk, i missed some crucial things.

i'm better now. over it, for the most part.

& i guess that's because i know my peace of mind comes from the part of god that is in me. all the balance is in me, just mine to create outwardly. my peace of mind cannot be tied to another human being.

the girl on the f train

talkin about britney spears.

oh, my GOD. bill!!!! wtf?

i ate chicken today. i haven't been missing sht & i cannot WAIT to eat the mixed veggies & couscous i have waiting for me at home.

hash is no shit to play wiith.

i haven't been writing, & probably won't for a hot second. ah, well. effit.

i had to take a lil break

because my laptop caught the flu.

i'm back, now. i'll be writing later.

hey, you over there:

being mad at pregnant 15 year olds for being pregnant 15 year olds won't fix shit. treating them like their lives are over because they have babies at 15 -- also not gonna fix shit. clearly, they weren't aware that it's not imperative to be screwin w/o a condom. apparently, a sufficient support system may assist these youngins in improving the quality of their lives -- baby or no baby. the same applies to many married & unmarried women who begin bearing children early in life. you are not ruined for having had sex, nor are you ruined for having been pregnant, having an abortion, or having a child. you are ruined if you allow yourself to be. fuck that.

someone just reminded me of something. i knew a man once who declared that any woman who was under the age of 30, unmarried & a mother was 'used goods.' i think that's terrible. my mother was legally separated from my father & had given birth to 3 children. plenty women meet those qualifications for whatever reason(s), & to me that doesn't make them any less human or any less decent. by virtue of biology, plenty women are parenting on their own. let's look at it like this: you have a womb & you bear the child. fathering a child, biologically anyway, is pretty much taken care of once implantation takes place. not to sound crass, but you motherfuckers get of way easy. being there is optional for y'all. it's a fact. it's a lot easier to walk away when your body isn't changing like that on a daily basis.

i'll be back to finish this later, reorganize my thoughts, etc. let's rap about it in the comments, shall we?

my new online obsession

(aside from a seriously nasty e-shopping habit)

is black (or 'urban') celebrity gossip sites. the biting commentary is so entertaining to me. like, yeah i could be using the net as a tool to further my life (give it up one time for idealist.org), but no! i'm fuckin around on youtube & reading some of the absolute funniest (& meanest) tales of the tragically famous.

my picks:

crunk & disorderly

the fury

young black & fabulous

. . . that's all you really need. i'll probably have 549 new sites to love by this time next month. but i'm starting off small. lol.