i didn't go.

the mishap w/ my keys evolved into something else. i need a new door knob.

but all that led me to thinking about a shitload of other stuff. i had something resembling a panic attack.

it's making me feel really embarrassed & i almost hate to say it

but i miss my mom
i want someone else to pay these bills/ take the reigns, just for a month so i can catch my breath
i knew it wouldn't be easy but why is it so hard to get out of bed every single fucking day?
why don't i smile at ppl on the street anymore? how is it that i hate talking to ppl i love?
i don't like this. i don't have to be in control but i don't feel like i'm in control of myself, not even a teeny tiny bit.

i need to pray more
i need to fast more
i need to love more
but i don't even know how to do any of that when i want to cover every mirror in my apartment, put black fabric up at my windows, and drink myself to sleep some nights.

then other days i feel like i can beat anything & anyone


& all it's taken lately to take me away from that train of thought is one stupid thing
something someone says
a recollection of something/ one that i'd rather not be connected to

& here i go again
mad at everyone
escaping to books/ internet/ music/ movies/ tv

& it's like who IS this bitch? this simple, angry, bitter, tired ass woman who doesn't even wanna wrangle her mangy eyebrows or put together something nice to wear to work. i don't even know where it all came from. maybe when i moved the first time last year
maybe after labor day wknd, w/ the facial contusion & all that shit
i don't fucking know

. . .
but i feel like there's not enough sympathy, empathy, kindness, love, or anything else to reach me.

i gotta lay this one in the lap of the goddess. ain't shit else i can do.