i feel like writing again today.

after a really good, short wknd in new york i've had time to reflect on some things. thankfully, it's all come out (relatively) coherently.

redemption means the act, process, or an instance of redeeming. to redeem, by definition, is to release from blame or debt, to change for the better, to free from the consequences of sin, to repair or restore (those are just a few of the numerous definitions). in general terms, to redeem is to right a wrong, to restore balance & order. i used to struggle almost incessantly w/ the concept of redeeming myself. i was nearly obsessed with changing folks' perceptions of me, or at least making myself very clear about certain things. the last thing i wanted was to be misunderstood, or have folks decide for me who i was. it was a constant thing w/ me. always, always, always trying to slay every dragon & lay misconceptions to rest. if i didn't leave a big tip at a restaurant, i was freaking out because i didn't want my server to think i was a rude or cheap person. it was getting out of hand.

of course, as i've lived more life i've come to realize something. regardless of my intention, ppl will think what they want to. they will take offense or think i'm noble regardless of what ithink of what i'm doing. simple enough, right? i can only ever be myself & do me. if that changes how someone thinks/ feels about me or anything else, so be it. also, my motto is "it's not that serious." think what you wanna, we both have shit to do & lives to lead. it's not that serious. ever. i can't stop dead in my tracks because someone doesn't like me. i can try to hash out differences w/ folks & sometimes you gotta agree to disagree. but that's okay. i don't have to redeem myself because someone thinks the sky is green when i say it's blue. i'm not gonna put all that energy into making someone understand me when it's clear they aren't able to or just don't wanna. that doesn't cause me to care any less about maintaining my own standards. but, i suppose that since human beings are social there'll always be part of me desires connection w/ others . . . & an extension of that would be the reflection of my values by others, or a validation by others. it ultimately doesn't matter as much as being at peace w/ my life, i do know that much.

i think that maybe redemption was so important to me because the feelings i'd get from being misunderstood were so greatly & deeply troubling for me. maybe i've watched the last scene of the color purple one time too damn many & thought i'd have a touching moment in the sunset, playing hand games w/ my long lost redemption as justice, fairness, honesty, righteousness, & peace watched us from the porch of a big old farm house. i never got it, though. i'd battle w/ ppl, raise the most miniscule points, & badger them w/ what i thought they should believe about me. it was wasteful of my time & energy. i spent so much time trying to correct folk, i missed some crucial things.

i'm better now. over it, for the most part.

& i guess that's because i know my peace of mind comes from the part of god that is in me. all the balance is in me, just mine to create outwardly. my peace of mind cannot be tied to another human being.