water
lemon grass coconut soup
friends who encourage me
coworkers who actually get it
new bed linens
juicers
contractor bags
thunderstorms
the laundromat
anita baker
internet parodies
surprise weddings
any and all french fries
lime and cucumber
daughter
friend
sister
cousin
auntie
uncle
grandmother
grandfather
neighbor
stranger
coworker
customer
client
server
pet-owner
lost one
found one
so that you might love/ fight/ see/ be
better.
kathryn hall trujillo of the birthing project usa @ the black healers & midwives conference in phoenix last year:
yaaaaaaaaaay!
next stop:
full circle doula training with shafia monroe. :D
my new favorite post on one tenacious baby mama, which can be found right here.
birthday presents!!! (i never got a lot of presents as a kid, so when ppl give me stuff i am not only bowled over but i feel very magical & sparkly, in addition to overall special)
new music
sex*
an internet connection that works long enough for me to cop a new anorak
odara healthy hair food & various other items from chic afrique
my mama
marathon grill
the series of contradictions that make up my blog reading & life overall
my crazy ass, sweet, thoughtful, creative, unique, forever-looking-out-for-me friends
angela bofill's 1st album ON VINYL (thank you, brian, SO very much!)
* i always love sex. this is nothing new. lol.
one of those "oh this year i'm gonna ____________" posts, only to be disappointed in myself next year when i read it over. i know how that mess goes and i refuse to do that to my psyche. instead, i'm gonna lay it all out thusly:
if you called/ sent a text/ emailed/ sang/ clapped/ danced/ gifted or did anything else in honor of my birthday, i:
1) love
2) appreciate
3) am thankful for
4) am glad to know
5) owe my most sincere thanks to
6) am reminded why i continually fux with
7) hope to always be friends with
8) need to buy a drink for
9) probably need to spend more time with
10) just plain fucking HEART
you.
thank you. you rock. you are a superstar & SO wonderful for blessing me on my special day. i will return the favor, provided that i don't actually forget your birthday. & even if i do, i'ma return the favor. because you're an absolute pumpkin & deserve all that positivity returned to you ten thousand fold.
this was a day when i could look around & really feel the myriad ways in which i am blessed. i hope to continue to feel that until this particular revolution around the sun has completed & i begin the next. ecstasy, abundance & bliss. those are the things i want.
people really think that you're spoiled if you ask for specifically what you want, & anticipate at least coming close to getting it. that worries me. why am i spoiled just because i'm trying to make some things happen for myself, things that i want/ need/ desire? that makes zero sense to me. i don't care if i want thigh-high socks from american apparel or a damn mosaic made from recycled glass . . . if i want it, & i can make it so, i'm going to make sure i have it. peace of mind, a happy family, new sneakers, a meal at brasserie perrier . . . whatever the fuck i want. i'm not saying that just because i want something it should be so. i'm saying that if i'm working toward something, or creating the conditions for something to happen/ come into my possession, why on earth shouldn't i expect it to be so?
i just don't get it. maybe gratification is something i'm only supposed to believe in if it's delayed (ie the idea of heaven being far away as presented by the big three). i don't feel that way. i think that's a dumb idea. there is pleasure here. there is bliss here. there are blessings here. there is satisfaction right here. of course, we suffer. but some of the pain we experience can be alleviated or removed altogether by the same hands we use to create it. the widespread misery of humankind, to me, cannot be defined simply as god's will. i mean, do human beings not have their own will? do people not possess the ability to recognize wrongdoing/ suffering & then do something about it? however small, you can make an effort.
maybe the easiest thing to do is to lie down & take it. that is, pray for whatever & fail to put forth any effort. but in that book some of y'all rely on exclusively, the bible? i'm pretty sure that somewhere in there it says that faith without works is dead. so . . . like i said to R the other night, being religious is easy. it's being a person of faith that's hard.
so, i said all that to say this: have what you want. be balanced enough to see what work you've got to do to achieve it. it's that much sweeter when you get your blessings here, now.
my girl lauren about life, love, ifa, damaged ppl & some other random stuff.
& i realized: i am sooooo blessed to have clear-thinking folks in my circle. to have friends who're really about being good, whole ppl . . . man, that's wonderful. not everyone is interested in being a whole person. not everyone does what they need to do to right themselves first & worry about everything else later.
*this is a placeholder, until i get my internet right &/ or come back home to finish writing.
was a breath of fresh god. i laughed, ate, drank, loved, played, & generally enjoyed ppl w/ whom i love to commune. i mean, wow. i really had fun.
i need to get yani & foster their own tv show.
karas, thank you SO much for opening your home to us
we'll celebrate extra hard when you c-walk down the aisle in may next year
i love you for being your generous, wild self
next time you need a box of jeezis aych, holla @ your girl
xo
more 84 degree days
new sneakers
a fly haircut
more impetus to cook
a good backrub
sweet kisses from a sweet mouth
a really good roll in the hay
time w/ my girls
a new apartment
the green light on my latest scheme
a manicure & pedicure
more pomagrand lemonade
more afrobeat
more bomba
more music, period
new books!
time to watch my lil movies & really enjoy them
a dvd or two featuring the fania all stars
a dope tan
some more dresses
new places to drink tasty beverages
a nice long bath
there's more but i forget it all.
this week i'm staking my claim...
i have to stay a little while longer. even though i don't want to. even though every day i find myself thinking that i'm gonna have to run away to new york or pick up all my shit & hide out at my mom's house for 8 weeks of intensive "i can't really hack it as a grownup" therapy (better known as working the same fucked up 12 hour days no fewer than 4 days per week, not paying ANYone's bills except my own, looking for a new job on craigslist & watching a lot of crappy tv w/ my sisters). it's really obvious. it is. i complained rather audibly to one of my at-work play auntie type coworkers & then in the afternoon, what happened? my division manager announced that basically she wants to utilize the knowledge of myself & some other support staff to turn us into . . . wait for it . . . are you ready? paraprofessionals. i know! basically she wants to find a way, even within the civil service system (which, though it is not inherently racist but definitely antiquated & still fucked up), to pay us what we're worth. make sure that our skills & awareness don't go to waste & ooze out of our ears. that's what her predecessor did. constantly. i can't say i'm terribly excited, because this is not where i wanna be for the rest of my life. i don't even wanna hit the five year mark (the very idea makes me nauseous as shit) at this place when i never intended to stay beyond two. at the same time, i've been itching for the opportunity to be smart for a living -- to really know that i come to work & use the talents i already have.
i complained & got a very obvious response. i'm like . . . okay, but i don't have forever. & i don't care who's a great coworker, who has my back, who really looks out . . . i hate complacency.
& i feel kinda complacent.
i don't wanna give this place the rest of my life, so i won't. i don't want to fester & just sit & stagnate. so i won't allow myself to.
& i'm having the hardest time understanding what might be on the horizon in regard to the work situation, but i'm gonna shut the hell up & say thank you. i just know what i really want deep down inside. i'm tryna learn patience so i don't rush into it just so i can say "i quit my day job to do this!"
cuz let's face it, i need to get the money up. there are folks i want to include in my plan who are currently doing other shit (hey karas!). there isn't any way i'm gonna even feel okay doing this without a few crucial things having been taken care of first.
i don't know wtf is going on
but i know the universe answered me before i even got to finish bitching.
adupe-o.
can be kinda depressing
cuz deep down inside allllllll i wanna do is piddle around my apt. figure out how to make better beans & rice, make one of my infamously random iced tea blends, or maybe even turn on the tv for a few minutes before cheaters comes on. i just want the space
to breathe
stretch
get up & be happy about where i'm going during the day.
not that i'm ungrateful for this job -- so many wonderful things have happened in the past 5 months alone, things that have given me the tools/ resources to go where i really wanna.
but sometimes i wanna throw up my hands & say "listen, i really can't stand you folks anymore . . . maybe we can all have dinner together one day & laugh about it but right now i wanna curse nearly every one of you out for some reason or another & that's a true problem. so, i resign. effective immediately, i quit. kiss my black ass. have a good day. i'll be back when i feel like it for my personal effects & every blank cd-r in this bitch, since nobody here has a burner on their cpu." i fantasize sometimes about that.
but until then, i'm struggling against lateness & general apathy. i like my division manager. i like a few of my coworkers. the rest i can take or leave, with a few insufferable completely inept fucking lunatics interspersed throughout. i don't like the bulk of my duties, but i'm trying to plow through this shit so i can get to the good stuff. division manager has something she wants me to do.
but the papers are piling
my supervisor is a lame duck & doesn't wanna help me out
so i gotta do it alone.
that shit is daunting.
i'm takin a mini-break this weekend.
so maybe i can come back refreshed & renewed, after communing w/ my ppls.
i certainly hope so.
today i am grateful for: travel, money, water, pretty dresses, & summer.
sagacious friends & associates
always-on-time direct deposit
bare traps brand footwear
dennis
fiscal year pay increases
my own ingenuity
long standing friendships
glaceau & their wonderful beverages
j. jewels
the proximity of philadelphia to new york, dc, baltimore, & the jersey shore
gauchos
j*davey
water
honey
cayenne pepper
my sistren who hold me up when my legs won't do the job
ross, the mecca of reduced-price shopping
dusty record crates
idiocracy
jill scott
blueberries
honey peanut butter
mama sunnie
back rubs
grace
nivea creme
summer street festivals/ cultural events
beans n rice
manicures & pedicures
reversible anything
loop nyc/ parcel bags
shimmery hot pink nail polish
aleve
jersey knit bed linens
hands that like to touch me
sunshine
breezes
my womb
tension tamer tea
ginger
oludumare mi
yeye mi
baba mi
egungun mi, known & unknown
the deep awo of my own abilities
babies
knowing when to back off
eric roberson
giant trash bags
clean towels
drop-off service @ the laundromat
knowing my own pace
. . . my blessings do not come from this job. they come from the goodness i create around myself.
i am thankful every day. i will demonstrate my gratitude at every given opportunity. ashé.
that the whole "my period is terrible & i hate myself for being a woman" thing is stupid.
that is, it's born of ignorance & conditioning, sometimes of a shitty diet or stress. when i eat well, when i live my best life, & when i do what it pleases me to do i feel wonderful. if i eat poorly (or consume foods that cause disharmony in my body) i am a total wreck & there's suffering to be had. & i hate feeling that way. but, without fail, the sooner i let my body do its job the more i feel balanced. i feel right again. so i'm learning every time that i'm magic (& to quote atlanta, i'm sorry if u can't see it).
i will not be mad that i'm so snippy. it's necessary sometimes. i'm most myself today. so i'm gonna tend to my own needs first, forsaking all others. my mission is to handle my own business.
it's so easy to get caught up in the day-to-day bullshit of life. but what's really important is the laundry list of dreams, desires, wants & needs that i have. if i leave those unfulfilled, i run the risk of being permanently fucked up and miserable.
one foot in front of the other.
looking forward, period.
let's do this.
#2
love:
trader joe's macaroni & cheese. yes, i am dairy sensitive & bordering on intolerant (HI, BILL!). no, it's not healthy to eat a whole tray of this shit. but i'm pmsing, and i've been really good about my dairy/ starch intake lately. my secret weapon: a sprinkle of garlic powder on it before i mix it up. good god. most creamy, coma-inducing food to yet come out of the crackhouse that my good buddy jill refers to simply as "the joe's." just . . . don't get mad at me if you start tweakin off tj's mac & cheese, okay? all i can do for you is offer to eat the macaroni to allow you the chance to recover.
need: 
new balance wr873s. i need new workout (running/ walking/ traipsing through nyc or philly) kicks. i genuinely believe that these are the ones i need most of all. aside from the fact that the colors are kickass, these'll do everything i need them to. i'm gonna be outdoors mostly, not on a treadmill or elliptical . . . & to top it all off, they're blue and coral. what's fuckin w/ that? honestly. my alternate pair: the w809. but them shits aren't as fashion-forward color wise. lol.
want: 
a new dress, or three. these are my top choices (right now, because i haven't seen what old navy's got), from alight.com. i want to have enough dresses in my wardrobe that even in the dead of winter, i'm straight stylin on motherfuckers. besides, any one of these would go damn well w/ the naturalizer kingsleys from last week's love | need | want post. even though the first dress needs an emergency ugly belt-ectomy. i'll find some fabric for that lil thang SO quick . . . plus #18 on my 43things list says very clearly that i want to buy a new sexy bitch dress.
i'm about to go all the way in(to him)
there's very little reason for me to say no
& i think he agrees.
this is real amazin,
cuz about 3 weeks ago i was real low. feelin mighty bad like sofia in the color purple. flailing about, trying to reach something that i wasn't even certain existed.
... now, here i am.
grateful.
happy birthday to the only other person i know on earth who wears my name on her birth certificate.
i hope we're still homies when you're turning fifty-seven. lol.
may the abundance, ecstasy & bliss of life always be within your reach. you most certainly are your own superstar. keep it up. i'm proud as hell to call you a friend.
