i'm not really good at this.

naming names, dates, times, events, etc.

i just know that militants are not the same as children playing on rooftops.
i know that if neutral parties are telling us that the news stories lie about casualties, & aid groups can't get in, then it is not about anything other than massacre.
women & children
robocalls, telling the ppl that hamas has abandoned them . . .

this is all designed to destroy them, and for what?

to assuage the guilt of the rest of the world for standing idly by when camps were built to kill jews en masse?
to spill blood on land that's meant to be holy? for what?
when they're all gone, what are you gonna do next? start firing at someone else?
the right to exist has nothing to do with a right to destroy other people. i'm sorry.

like i told bfp the other day, i feel more than i think about it & i daresay you're a chickenshit if you don't.
all that academic shit, all the historical citations and shit just give you a reason to be detached from it
because you know you could never sit idly by and watch your children and your neighbors' children die by the hundreds. because you know, full well, that your comfort would no longer matter if you sent your nine-year-old to the store on an errand and he came back to you only in the pieces discernible from the bits of other folks.

i
don't
fucking
like
this
shit.

public pressure. if you wouldn't dare advocate this shit in your own back yard, don't advocate it in someone else's.
all i want to do is scream because at the end of the day, this is about fighting over land that's important to everyone & really belongs to no one at all.

get into this: links 05 january 2009

first, cara @ the curvature's series on yoko ono.
part 1
part 2
part 3

i haven't yet read the whole series, but i'm loving part 1 so far. cara also has generally outstanding feminist analyses of all kinds of stuff, & i really appreciate her writing.

next up: lauren @ faux real has an awesome chicken pot pie recipe! with a few tweaks, this could be adjusted to meet almost any dietary need. om nom nom.

my first exposure to "barack the magic negro," via karas @ postbourgie.

the latest from the ever hilarious boondocks bootleg team, on youtube: black jesus is the cure. (this shit is funny. if you don't laugh, i think something's wrong with you. period.)

omi drops yet another gem.

a discussion overdue.

may these links fuel your thoughts & push you someplace new.

my slap a motherfucker button is being pressed.

hard. because of this.

"i'm afraid if he wins, the blacks will take over."
really?
word?

you think "we" (like every black person is secretly united against your white asses and anyone who could possibly undermine our goals of world domination via newports and malt liquor) are waiting with baited breath for obama to win so we can come out in droves to destroy your pure christian nation of amber waves of grain and virgins? like, the second the inauguration ceremony ends, this man decides to paint the white house black for real? is he gonna pass a mandate that the new endangered species is listed as the educated black man? the fbi's ten most wanted list is changed to list folks who owe barack and/ or michele obama over 500 USD? are the darkies gonna take to the streets in celebratory dance like the big liberation scene in the wiz? oh, waaaaaaaaaaaiiiit. i know now: the bald eagles will all be caught and deep-fried like so many thanksgiving turkeys, then served on the lawn of the white house on paper plates w/ ronald reagan's coffin as a table. it'll be the takeover dinner.

"the blacks" are as varied in opinion as "the whites," "the latinos," and every other group in american society. some of us are for him. some of us are against him. others are undecided or not voting for either of the big-party candidates. ridiculous. dry that shit up. secondly, a good number of "us" are not thinking about you in middle america. we, like you, have normal and everyday concerns: bills, food, family, jobs, etc. i hate to even discuss my similarities to such simpletons, but we're all having very human experiences right now. nobody has any fucking money. you're worried about ppl who look like me taking over this country? booboo kitty, people who look like you have not been doing a bang-up job, i don't know if you've noticed. the system doesn't effing work -- who gives a hot wet fuck what color the top dog is or isn't? would the sheer pride of seeing "one of us" in the white house automatically mobilize ppl who identify as black in such a way that we decided to just magically pull it all together and start . . . doing what?
what does 'taking over' even entail?
exactly.
simple asses.

and i won't address the "muslim thing."
i refuse to discuss what seems to be the prevailing anti-obama (or decidedly anti-democrat, possibly even anti-black) song & dance: these niggers got student loans and took too long paying them back! um, i'm sorry -- i had one loan and that was because i quit school after a year and a half. do you know how long it took me to pay it off? about 3 years, and i didn't even go to the ever-expensive harvard or yale. this is so dumb. are those who criticize michelle and/ or barack obama aware that the FAFSA is for everyone? are they aware that havard's law school site itself discusses the extension of loan repayment for graduates who do not go into six-figure jobs straightaway? come on. this is just plain ridiculous.

i won't dedicate much more time to this, as i need to go to bed.

but i genuinely do hope that the scales begin to fall from folks' eyes. if not immediately or in time for election day, then soon enough that they are able to save themselves from the madness that has engulfed this land.

but what do i know?
i'm just polishing my illegally obtained gun so i can "take over" on inauguration day.

do not look a gift horse in the mouth

do not look a gift horse in the mouth
do not . . .

fuck that
these white ppl who live somewhere in my building or the building next door (same landlord, same big ass back yard) decided they wanted to celebrate the full moon this morning
. . . at 5
before sunrise
by climbing up and down the fire escape with beer and food and shit

why the fuck are you thisclose to my bedroom window
yelling "yoooo" to your friend
like it's 5 pm
like you're the only motherfuckers who live here
like nobody matters except you

fuck you
fuck your over privileged, bratty sense of entitlement
i called the landlord
i hope he tells you to stay your ass off the fire escape up here unless there's a fire, especially since you do not live on my floor
fuck you
fuck you
fuck you
i hope you fall and break your leg or drop your iphone
or get locked out of the building and nobody comes to help you and you get stuck out back w/ the gangs of raccoons and possums who dominate the trash cans in this part of the city

*exhale*

i prayed for this apartment
i work hard to keep my rent paid
i just took a serious blow financially trying to get in this joint
i will not allow some inconsiderate dickhead white boys to fuck it up for me
i'm (totally not) sorry
but i gotta pull your coattails on this one
it is not okay to abuse the amenities of this property
not as long as you have neighbors like me
and the next time you have a loud balcony party i'm gonna let the cops into the yard
cuz thursday nights are not the same thing as friday nights. dickheads.

this morning's rant was brought to you by our sponsors, the full harvest moon, the impending autumnal equinox, and fela kuti's "water no get enemy."

file this one under f.

for massive fail as well as fuckery deluxe.

no.

nkotb & new edition? i quit. just cuz they're from boston and maurice starr managed them, it doesn't mean this shit needed to happen. it's painful. noooooooo, lawd, WHY?

on: r. kelly, demons, black folk, and gordon gartrell radio.

1) omi gave me the impetus.
2) phonte drove it home here. among other gems, he said 'the same power structure that says cops can put 50 bullets in a nigga is the same one that tells entertainers it's okay to piss on lil black girls.' YUP.
3) that motherfucker is guilty any time his damn attorney offers the 'little man' defense as what's supposed to be a legit means of proving innocence.
4) i'm glad this has actually made it to trial. really.
5) anyone who puts the fault on that little girl would probably have let the motherfucker pee on their grown asses. being in awe of celebrity, being impressionable, and being just plain uninformed of one's own power are not exclusive to kids.
6) in the first episode of the boondocks, huey asked tom dubois 'do you know the extent to which niggas love r. kelly?' and at this point in time i can say: the love was underestimated. it seems like ppl are looking for reasons for it to be okay. it ain't.
7) i don't think white ppl give a damn about it. and probably wouldn't unless it was a white girl he'd peed on. see: kobe.
8) we can't forget aaliyah. we can't.
9) the whole trial appears to be a zoo. not a sex zoo. just a regular ass, dysfunction-on-parade zoo.
10) most ppl who talk so much about sex and god (and rarely have subject matter that deviates from either) are mentally damaged. see: bizzy bone, marvin gaye (AND his daddy, i'm sure).

ain't this some shit?

(fyi -- if you want a tour of the hood, you don't even have to fly to rio for me to take you on a few. philly's got plenty for your perusal.)


Firm in trouble for slum tour with a twist

RIO DE JANEIRO (Reuters) - A Rio de Janeiro tour company could be in trouble for giving tourists too intimate a view of life in the city's notorious slums, including photo opportunities with drug gang leaders.

The Brazilian city's tourism chief said on Monday that the company, Private Tours, could be stripped of its license after a report in Sunday's Folha de Sao Paulo newspaper that it had set up meetings between traffickers and tourists.

The paper sent a reporter disguised as a foreign tourist on the 4-hour, $55 tour of Rocinha, the city's largest slum, that included visits to the "bocas de fumo" where traffickers sell drugs to Rio residents.

It said the traffickers told the tourists stories about their time in prison, described the life of a Rio drug dealer, and would then pose for pictures with their guns -- as long as their faces were not photographed.

Rio tourism chief Rubem Medina said the firm could lose its license if the story was accurate.

"It's not necessary to do this kind of tour in Rio; there are a lot of wonderful attractions," he told Reuters.

Pedro Novak of the Private Tours firm acknowledged that he ran that kind of tour but that "I'm not the only one."

Several companies have for years offered tours of the city's more than 600 slums, offering tourists a controversial alternative to the city's beaches and an insight into the lives of the more than 1 million people who live there.

The slums, or favelas, are largely controlled by heavily armed drug gangs with names such as "Red Command" and "Friends of Friends" that fight each other for control of the lucrative cocaine market.

(Reporting by Stuart Grudgings; Editing by Todd Benson and Vicki Allen)

i'm confused.

at first, i thought that there'd only be snippets of nas' assertion that everyone in this country now qualifies as the n-word. but i found a video clip!

& yeah, i can more or less see his argument -- particularly in post 9/11 america. the way the government watches us, the way our info is sold & tracked. i totally get that. none of us is safe; each of us is victimized. it may not be fire hoses & dogs, but there's always something.

but yo.
that thing about black peoples' right to vote expiring? last i heard it wasn't true. there's at least one statement from the department of justice that clarifies what the voting rights act is all about. i don't know where that ish comes from, but if it comes from the same places that those damn "pass this on to heal little melanie's eyebrow cancer" emails, then i'm gonna be disappointed in nas as a grown person. grown ppl tend to check facts before they start running off at the mouth about things like that. if someone can find me something to back up what he's talking about, i'll appreciate it. in the meantime, i think it's another bullshit urban legend.

i don't knock the john lennon reference, kelis . . . but i still, for some reason, want you to shut the fuck up. i can't explain it. i used to like kelis a lot. but since her second album went unreleased in the states & her third only had one hit (milkshake, y'all) i feel kinda like she dumbed herself down in the name of making herself 'relevant' to the ppl who'd buy her shit: teenagers. bad move. but that's another post for another time.

no way.

70 degrees in january?
you're playin. i must be dreamin. lord have mercy, it was simply glorious out today!

of course i was out until almost 10 pm.
of course i took a cab home ($11 well spent!)
& of course . . . i'm still up. frontin like i don't have a 10+ hour day at work tomorrow.

but i had to be thankful for the weather. i had to share that. i'm so rejuvenated by it, even if it is dark at 5 pm every day.

if snitches get stitches, then sew me up.

megan meier didn't deserve this. i don't care what happened between two kids -- if a parent gets involved, it should be to end the drama. not turn it into some torturefest that ends in suicide.
i applaud the (anonymous) mother who told the truth.

outside of that, i've nothing to say, really, except this:

rest in peace, megan.

out of pocket in atlanta: shawntae harris.

hitting people upside the head with bottles of rum? really?

the most organized thoughts i could immediately muster about such a report are best reflected by miss jalylah burrell in this post on she real cool (i still wish i'd been clever enough to conceive of such a blog title, even after 2 years of reading). a quote:

Simplemindeness leads too many to believe that certain bodies are immune from perpetuating isms. People of Color, Women and/or LGBTQ's identities do not endow them with progressiveness and sometime they can be as vigilant as the mainstream in instilling perpetuating and maintaining the strictures that incongruously tightly circumscribe their lives.

by virtue of that same simplemindedness (as it belongs to others, not so much this writer), i think she makes black lesbians look bad. if you're the only reference point that some folks have for an entire group of people, you are an ambassador, whether your ass wishes to be or not. people are stupid. just like being the only black person around will get you some bullshit in all-white "liberal" or "inquisitive"circles, being the only lesbian (particularly around some strongly heterosexist, queerphobic black folks) will get you some bullshit. there's a culture of exclusion among black folk as is, incidents like this (whether largely publicized or not) seem to be the carte blanche that these closed-minded folks need in order to justify hate. the same way black men in hoodies, timbs, the "wrong" sneakers/ jeans combo, etc. aren't allowed into certain night spots because of what someone "dressed similarly" may or may not have fucking done in that same night spot or a different one. i'm not justifying acts of exclusion, but i definitely see that side of those behaviors. if you're an inside-the-box thinker, what else are you gonna think? "she's a lesbian, she's black, she's kinda butchy so i guess i can expect that from kinda butchy black lesbians." thinking in a line is dangerous. even when the linear thinking is based on lies & exaggerations. call me crazy, but that's just what i think. people are that dumb, unfortunately. sometimes, we give others ammunition through our convoluted, negative behaviors. i don't feel like it's okay to assume that one person should represent all folks who can be classified in that group (at the same time, i'm not terribly keen on identity politics & classifying folks in the first place) . . . but i guess my disturbance is that behavior like this certainly doesn't help anyone who struggles for the rights of a group -- black folks, women, the LBGTQ community, poor folks, etc.

doesn't she have any kind of fucking home training? you just hit motherfuckers in the head with bottles of booze (that i presume she paid for, cuz who the fuck is giving her irrelevant-to-current-music ass any freebies?) when you have a problem with them? from what i read in jalylah's blog, & other random bits of celebrity gossip/ news i've heard she's got some stunted social growth/ anger management/ alcohol consumption issues. to paraphrase katt williams, if folks say the same exact shit about you for 20 years, it's true. that is, her behavior from what i've observed/ heard is congruent w/ someone who has some issues they need to work out. homegirl needs to put the bottle down for more reason than one, i'm willing to bet. no matter what someone says or does to you (short of threatening your life with action or words), you as a grown ass person probably need to learn to walk away. & you definitely don't come at them after the fact to assault them. fuck that. unfortunately, it's not even really about home training. she might not have ever adhered to anything her caregiver(s) ever taught her. sad, but true.

maybe i hold women to a higher standard. maybe i hold black folks to a higher standard, & therefore lean on black women extra hard. but ultimately, this incident is so telling! it says so much about the way we internalize the colonization of ourselves & our ancestors. if she makes you mad, hit her. if she rebuffs your advances, she's a worthless/ good-for-nothing/ funny looking/ tacky whore/ bitch/ skag/ heifer/ ho . . . & if she dare speak back, show her who's boss. this is something i've seen from butch lesbians as much as i've seen it from hetero-identifying men. i don't give a fuck, anyone who feeds into the gender constructs (regardless of biological sex) is susceptible to the comfort of what being a man or woman will get you in this society. maybe that doesn't make sense . . . what i'm speaking on is what i've observed with my own eyes, what i've felt in my heart of hearts. there are women running around here thinking they can play the part better than a bio male can within the same social constructs, & that is dangerous. not because i believe gender roles are static, but because in this place we call america those gender roles are rife with oppression. because they are misleading & create a space wherein domestic abuse is okay, wherein it's okay to dominate your partner simply because it's what's "supposed to happen." carrying around & perpetuating the fucked up attitudes/ behaviors that you've been exposed to isn't suddenly made okay if you're not in a heterosexual romantic relationship. sorry. essentially, mistreatment of another human being is supposed to be wrong all of the time.
*sigh*
i lost my train of thought. but i think that's enough for now.

i'm expecting someone who doesn't respect my stance to come attack me in the comments box . . . because i'm supposed to forgive her class status (before becoming a wealthy/ famous rapper), blame hip hop for her acting like that, & give her a pass because i'm a queer black woman myself.

right.

oh, hell no.

wtf?

i'm kinda, like... flabbergasted.

please feel free to engage me in discourse in the comments, okay?

there is so much wrong here. so much.

it goes deeper than

just hating one's job. sometimes, the job manifests its destructive nature in how employees are treated. this post from yearning mice on fire more than explains the indoctrination that large companies (& even government entities, like the one where i work) drill into the heads of their employees. there's a comply-or-die attitude that lots of employers seem to have. i've seen it everywhere from retail/ food service to non-profit environs.

this reflects exactly how i feel about the job i have now. really.

thanks to tenacious one for posting the link on her blog. (i'm digesting that transpolitics post. good GODDESS, it made my brain tingle!)

something that amazes me about life:

people really think that you're spoiled if you ask for specifically what you want, & anticipate at least coming close to getting it. that worries me. why am i spoiled just because i'm trying to make some things happen for myself, things that i want/ need/ desire? that makes zero sense to me. i don't care if i want thigh-high socks from american apparel or a damn mosaic made from recycled glass . . . if i want it, & i can make it so, i'm going to make sure i have it. peace of mind, a happy family, new sneakers, a meal at brasserie perrier . . . whatever the fuck i want. i'm not saying that just because i want something it should be so. i'm saying that if i'm working toward something, or creating the conditions for something to happen/ come into my possession, why on earth shouldn't i expect it to be so?

i just don't get it. maybe gratification is something i'm only supposed to believe in if it's delayed (ie the idea of heaven being far away as presented by the big three). i don't feel that way. i think that's a dumb idea. there is pleasure here. there is bliss here. there are blessings here. there is satisfaction right here. of course, we suffer. but some of the pain we experience can be alleviated or removed altogether by the same hands we use to create it. the widespread misery of humankind, to me, cannot be defined simply as god's will. i mean, do human beings not have their own will? do people not possess the ability to recognize wrongdoing/ suffering & then do something about it? however small, you can make an effort.

maybe the easiest thing to do is to lie down & take it. that is, pray for whatever & fail to put forth any effort. but in that book some of y'all rely on exclusively, the bible? i'm pretty sure that somewhere in there it says that faith without works is dead. so . . . like i said to R the other night, being religious is easy. it's being a person of faith that's hard.

so, i said all that to say this: have what you want. be balanced enough to see what work you've got to do to achieve it. it's that much sweeter when you get your blessings here, now.

the idea that i exclude ppl

from parts of my life is kinda a big joke to me.
this is a placeholder until i can fully articulate my disappointment/ annoyance at ppl

cuz basically, if i don't invite you somewhere it's because you either don't know how to act or i forgot to say something to you

sheesh

some other crazy mess

my intern said:
"i was so offended, well, kinda offended, when i saw knocked up. because, you know, they didn't have to show the baby comin' out and all that."
smartly, i asked him what the rating of the film was. he responded that it had an 'r' rating. i coyly giggled, "that's just what you get for seeing a film that you technically shouldn't have without an adult guardian present, instead of your only friend who's 18 already."

inspired by miss dark daughta's post on what society at large wishes to quote-unquote protect children from seeing.

i'm not gonna waste my time picking apart his logic. i don't have the energy to. his internship is over, so now i have to tackle the recurring problem of my supervisor's apparent unwillingness to make sure that the temporary office assistant actually knows how to do and executes his job. fuck the both of them, for the record. i have much anxiety about this job.

that's another post for another time.

maybe i'm just a mean old heifer.

i don't know. basically, yesterday, my intern (he's 16) asked me if i understood what mos def was talking about in his songs. that is, asked, "you hear the messages in his music, talking about the third eye and all that?" i blinked. i replied, "yes, i hear him. & i don't think what he's saying is wrong, necessarily." intern then says, "it's a shame that he thinks that way," or something like that. i had to take a deep breath, then politely inform youngin that no matter how much you listen to someone's music, you're only gonna begin to align your personal beliefs with what's expressed in their music if you feel you should. i give my brain more credit than that. i also had to let intern know that it's not ever okay to assume that (a) someone is a particular religion, (b) that they wanna have religion-based conversations with you, or (c) that anyone withn hearing range wants to be party to such a discussion. we work in city government. that's a really bad idea. i also had to let him know, that whatever a person believes (or doesn't believe) about god, it's not any other human being's business. period. he got kinda quiet. then said "i didn't wanna get up in your business, i was just sayin . . . he shouldn't think that way." i didn't waste time asking why. because i choose not to have that kind of talk with ppl at my job -- i barely talk to ppl outside of work about my faith tradition or anything religion-related. i just reminded him that assumptions aren't okay. i left it at that.

i know this child to be very much into church, into being a 'warrior for christ,' as i've heard him say. (that shit makes me cringe, just for the record) i know that he reminds me of myself when i was about 12. i thought i had to be extra preachy gospelly . . . that i had to tell the world about jesus & tell ppl they're wrong for being non-christians. of course, as i got older, i realized that i love secular music. i also realized that i didn't necessarily think jesus was my savior. i had questions that were not being answered by anything i read in the bible, nor did i have questions that were being answered by my elders. i also found that i disliked the idea that i had to maintain some standard of purity in my life, lest my humanity allow me to fall prey to the tools / whims of satan . . . who really was just a disgruntled former angel in the first place. there were too many holes. too many things that made no sense to me. so i kinda sat back & watched. i let everyone who identified as a christian show me how they were far from emulators of jesus christ himself. i shrugged, shook it off, & kept moving.
i dunno, my whoooooooole entire family (save my grandfather, one uncle & maybe one or two relatives by marriage) lean on jesus extra hard. that's cool, if it works for them. i think my baby sister might be one of us witchy yoruba santeria lucumi vodou candomblé goddess worshiper types. but i dunno for sure. my overwhelming feeling is that black folks allow whether or not someone is a christian be their deciding factor in regard to whether or not that person is acceptable.
there's a fatal flaw in that: there are folks who you may attend church with, who still don't have the same values you do, for whatever reason(s). i come from a family that values dialog but is still at times very authoritarian. my mother taught my two sisters & me to be as critically-thinking as possible. that didn't go terribly well with my grandmother, grandfather & two uncles. but they all managed to get the hell over it at some point -- they created little encyclopedia-reading monsters who never stopped wondering/ creating/ thinking. & it became okay. nerdiness is woven into the fabric of my family, & along with that comes talking & introduction of new ideas. my extended family identifies as christian, but what about the nurturing of growth/ encouragement of education that i experienced at home? if it doesn't apply to them does that automatically make them bad/ wrong?
but i'm getting off topic. my basic idea about exclusively using your religion as a measuring stick for others -- especially & including those who identify within the same religion -- is that your measuring stick is the result of your interpretation almost exclusively. that's not accurate. furthermore, variables are unavoidable. people vary. period. that's a dangerous thing. it's like fitting a square peg into a very round hole.
i hope intern learns as he gets older that that kinda shit isn't okay. he may not -- he comes from a position of privilege within the social circles where he exists. patriarchy rules supreme in his world (the worst thing i've ever heard come out of this child's mouth is that no woman should ever break up w/ her high school sweetheart just because she doesn't wanna have a long distance relationship), & it guarantees his comfort. so, i don't know. he has no idea what this wide world holds for him as a black male in america.
i hope he he learns, though. gently, easily, gradually. because the next person may not even entertain the idea of being sweet or diplomatic. i know what it is to have everything you believe in snatched out from under you. but then again, he may need that . . .

i tried really hard to hold my breath

& refrain from speaking on terrence howard's declaration that women who don't clean themselves w/ baby wipes are 'just unclean.' i wanted really badly to refrain from giving his low-talent ass any more shine than he's already gotten for playing such brilliant characters as the around-the-way barfly named cowboy (dead presidents), chu chu (biker boyz) & the 'struggling pimp' djay (hustle & flow). i didn't say he couldn't act, but outside of his light skinnedness & wearing church clothes to virtually every event he attends, what's the draw?
but anyway. i was tryna bite my tongue, then i remembered that this here blog is mine to do what i wanna do with it. so, here goes:

first off, this motherfucker is not important enough to go around telling anybody how to wipe their asses, short of an infirmed or infantile family member of his. he's not a doctor. he is an actor. he gets paid to dress up and make believe that he's someone else & he isn't even good at that! let's not allow him to have that much influence over our bathrooms, our anuses or our purchase of baby wipes. i have a girlfriend who's a doctor & she expressed some annoyance that grown ppl (who come to her & end up getting rectal exams) don't fully wipe their asses. i'd listen to dr. homegirl before i listen to that guy. because it's what she's spent 3 years in school for. because she's begun a residency. it's her job to be concerned with health/ hygiene.

secondly, i have to point out the overall tone of the interview. he seems to fall into the category of a misogynistic woman hater. i say he seems to, because i don't know him & have only ever read this one interview w/ him. but the idea that he's a woman-hater is backed up by this article on jezebel.com. there as also a fashion shoot in an old issue of vibe magazine with the theme of a couple going through their daily routine or whatever, where one photo depicted him grabbing or shaking the female with whom he did the shoot. i don't like that. not one fucking bit. my eyebrow is at least raised in that man's general direction.

thirdly, as pointed out by (my new favorite blogger) dark daughta in this post, he's sans vulva. he is not an authority on vaginae, vulvae, clitorises, or anything else that biologically belongs to women. sorry. nope. to quote my beloved grandfather, "what's wrong with that rabbit brain?" honest to goddess, unless you study vulvae from a medical standpoint (being a porn hound does not a coochie expert make) i kinda don't wanna hear it. really.

so, in short: terrence dashon howard needs to shut the fuck up.

okay, what the hell is going on here?

after a good two months pass, you decide to make a request to see me? after i was ready to go all the way in, & let go of my idea that the next man i deal with is gonna have to be the permanent mate/ baby maker/ cohabitator deluxe . . . you wanna come over and monopolize my saturday? man, i don't know about all that. i have shit to do tonight. i haven't got a whole day to spend with you; i barely have 3 hours of my afternoon. i don't know about all this sudden . . . interest you have in me. you wanna sniff my neck & play fight on the couch like you haven't been fucking missing in action for two, almost three months? baby, you must have had a really bad trip or something cuz it doesn't work like that. none of our mutual friends or associates ever fucking knows where -- or more importantly, how -- you are. i am not comfortable with that. you sporadically pop up on AIM, or myspace. you don't respond to my now-defunct weekly e-mails? are you fucking kidding me? a three word response would be fine. don't be an asshole about this.
look, man . . . i don't think i'm there anymore. i wanted to sit on my couch and watch a movie w/ you because you're good to watch movies with. i didn't ask you to marry me, give me your sperm so i can become a mommy next spring, i didn't even ask you to be my fucking boyfriend. i simply asked you to be consistent and present. i asked you to be considerate and forthright. if you can't even do that, then what the blue fuck are we doing?
you don't meet my needs. you aren't complete enough to even begin to meet your own. i know you're hurt, i know there's a hole in your heart as big is the pacific ocean, but don't penalize me for that. don't penalize your mother or your sister for that, either. our mutual friends? they care about you. i care. i think maybe we need to press that button, the reset button, & start all over. at least try to, because it's too easy for me to just decide to stick my titty in your mouth and let my wet pussy do the talking. because i do miss you, & i do feel very deeply for you. but sex isn't gonna fix it.
you can't do everything i need/ want, but i'll be damned if i waste my time trying to wait for you to get it right. some things you can be taught, but some shit i'm not willing to school you on.
i'd rather be alone.

i've got to know why

touring the favelas of rio is some new cute tourist activity. i need to know what the deal is. is it just an issue of cheap lodging? is poverty simply so fascinating that the visitors have to go see how the other half lives not in their own nations, but in latin america? are people actually working in these communities to change them, like grupo cultural afro reggae?

i ask because i'm black. & i come from salt-of-the-earth, hard working black folks who worked hard as hell to get everything they've ever had -- just like most of the world's poor folks. i don't know what it is, but i don't see a whole lot of these same do-gooders trying to stay in the states & help folks in the hood here. i don't. i do, however, tend to see folks with purportedly activist & altruistic leanings trying to get me to sign up for save the children while i'm on my freaking lunch break. i bristle at the mere notion that organizations like dialoguedirect are hiring young folks here & putting them to work to raise money. it bothers me that direct action doesn't seem to be an option for folks anymore. & maybe it is; perhaps i'm not in the right circles. i could be kind of removed from the activist community by virtue of my day job. i'm not certain. maybe the widespread notion that white folk just cannot be trusted is really ingrained in my head & i have yet to shake it off.

but touring the hood? like that shit is cute? i really, really hope that's not the case. the police maim & kill however & whomever they want to. it's not a secret. it's a lot harder for police here to get away with that shit. & i'm not implying that the lack of safety in favelas (or any slums, or squatter communities anywhere) should be a reason withhold help or to stay away altogether. but, let's be for real: some of these same folks (nicknamed 'poorists') are not tryna crash in or near the now-defunct cabrini-green homes when they go to chicago. they were never trying to hang around the 4th ward of new orleans. never.

some of these same folks will just gush about the humanity of the people, & the beauty, etc . . . then make a nasty face at the black kids sitting near them on the subway. come the hell on. hell, when they come teeming from gringolandia into the city where my family lives, it's not about anything other than shopping & maybe picking up a hooker or running some drugs. but you go into a store like marti's (btw, a white man, i believe an american, owns that store) & hear all the cooing about what's so cute, how _____ is so authentic, and goddess knows what else. it makes me sick.

i try my damnedest not to be that woman, the one who gives kids money because they're just so cute & it must make their day to get coins from an american. i don't want to be the lady who loves la raza so much when i'm there but shuns the dude who's bussing my table at vietnam palace.

i dunno. i'm rambling.
but my original question still kinda stands: what's up w/ that?