i'm so desperately angry right now.

so much so that i'm not sure i can stop myself from riding past this sista's house & dragging her punk ass bitch of a so-called fiancé out of the house by his ears so i can jollystomp the bullshit out of him.
i'm not sayin she's a perfect angel in all this. i'm not gonna even presume that she hasn't got her shit with her. i think, though, that she's been beyond wronged.

it goes like this:

about 4 years ago, sista meets brotha @ an open mic night. sista & brotha start seeing something of each other, living together in maryland someplace & generally getting serious. brotha & sista get evicted from their place in maryland someplace, so sista comes back to philly to her dad's house. the two continue to see each other when they can, whenever brother is in town working. brotha & sista get pregnant. brotha moves into elderly dad's house w/ sista. there are arguments, because neither of them is working. brotha plays trombone when he can get a gig for whatever bands he can. . . & by this point, the lily is defunct so he doesn't even have his house band gig. it's tight. there are the usual arguments that can be expected when things move way too fast & folks get surprised by whom it is they're really dealing with.
baby girl is born, healthy & happy.
there are still arguments, dysfunction, & stressful situations of all kinds.

fast fwd to late 2006 . . . sista is pregnant again! after a miscarriage earlier in the year, even. she is thankful for the life growing inside her, but stressed. she's working & trying to keep rent paid . . . brotha still isn't working steadily. it's still tight. brotha already has 2 kids aside from baby girl. brotha doesn't want any more kids . . . but brotha likes sex w/ no condom since they're in a committed relationship. so there are more fights
more arguing
more drama
lots of accusations
(even a stabbing!)
& a very confused, frightened, overwhelmed 2 year old.

brotha still isn't working.
sista is on TANF (temporary assistance for needy families, aka welfare) once she's too big to work.
brotha still isn't working.
sista gets bigger weekly, goes to all her appts w/ baby girl in tow when possible, & does all the housework.
brotha complains & still isn't working.
her father dies.
brotha's mind seems to be elsewhere. anywhere but where he is at the moment. maybe he's depressed. she doesn't know, nor does she care; she doesn't have time to be depressed. baby girl is a lot to keep up with. baby boy soon come. no time to be depressed, no time to be sad. gotta move, move, move, move . . .
one day about a month ago, sista & brotha get into an argument because he thinks she's lazy and making up stories about being tired/ unable to pick up the house . . . & that she must be crazy if she thinks he's gonna walk to and from the market in all that heat w/ a 2 year old
so she gets mad and asks a friend to come get her, take her, baby & the groceries to her mom's. because she might stab him again, and not miss the crucial bits this time.
they're arguing when friend pulls up . . . baby girl doesn't know if she should go to friend's car because friend is calling her . . . or if she should stay and try to keep mommy away from the fighting.
it's getting nastier by the minute. finally, friend puts the baby in the car & helps sista w/ her bags.

now?
sista has lost her baby.
yesterday, at the doctor's, there was no heartbeat.
he didn't go with her to the appointment because they didn't have enough money for the both of them to travel by bus; he didn't come when she told him what was going on.
friend was there, instead.
he told her "to get rid of it" before she was even 4 months along.
she was stressed out the entire time . . .
& this sad sack of shit wouldn't even come hold her hand & talk to her?
he won't at least pretend?
he tells her he's sorry & they'll talk when she gets in?

i'm disgusted
because nobody deserves to suffer through anything like that alone
because he won't nut up & decide to wear condoms or get a vasectomy
because that little girl lives in a warzone
because now she doesn't know what to do . . . she was staying for the children
& still wants to stay for baby girl, even though this is the most hateful, volatile, destructive situation ever.

so i'm mad.
i'm vigilant over my womb & my space
i don't want to ever see days like that. heaven knows i was close. but i'm not going out like that.
fuck the insanity
i reject notions of holding it together because you have babies. get rid of the toxins. period.

whatever you lose in life, you no longer have use for.

i pray for her healing, peace of mind, clarity, & fwd movement. whether they both grow the hell up & get better or not doesn't matter. i want her to leave that dysfunction behind.

i need to lay it all on my altar tonight, because i don't want her to be someone on tv. i don't want her to be latoiya this year or next
i cannot abide by this
i will not stand idly by & watch ppl destroy themselves.