it's really awkward

being in the precarious place where i am at the moment. i feel as if i'm a pendulum. swinging. all the time, back & forth. sometimes a hand grabs me, & i stop right where i am. other times, i'm moving so fast that i can't even name what it is that's happening. i don't feel fully at rest, even when i'm vegetative on my couch. even when i'm stoned out of my mind, drifting off to sleep . . . i feel that there's still that back & forth. & i don't know how i was even set on this path. this repetitious bullshit to which the quality of my life has dwindled . . . i'm annoyed, to say the least. it's not that i expected some magical shit to occur between ages 21 and 30 to make me into the perfect adult. i anticipated lots of hard work, humble moments, debt accrual, etc. i suppose that i underestimated the impact. the weight. sometimes it's like the whole world is working against me while i try to get what the universe has in store for me. it's a very odd feeling.

all i really want is to be myself fully. no apologies, no excuses, no shame. i want to make the money at no risk to my integrity, nor to my sanity. i know that there is abundance to be had. i'm trying to get to that point. i don't mean just money. i don't want trappings of a fabulous life. i want to thrive. i want to be comfortable financially. i want to love what i do for a living. at the moment i'm at an impasse. my passions are social justice & the arts. it's not hard to come across people who're into both, people who blend both. i want that to be my life, though. my career. i now know what i have to do in order to make it to that point. god, i'm gonna be in school for a long ass time. we're looking at a minimum 6 years. dual undergrad degree (sociology/ spanish), at least 1 master's (lincoln university MHS, stand up!) & maybe a 2nd master's. i need to kick some non profit ass.

but first i gotta work on some recruiting initiatives @ the 'good city job' i have. the new division manager wants to utilize my skills, instead of ignoring the shit out of them. i'm geeked. i might actually like it enough to stay if i'm not doing a bunch of dumb mindless shit all day every day for the next 6 months or whatever.

fingers are crossed
eyes are looking upward
feet are ready to move.

i just want to keep at it. this whole being myself thing. it sounds easy enough, but when nearly everything you are/ stand for is the complete opposite of most of what surrounds you . . . it's hard. i'm a socialist at heart. i'm an artsy fartsy activist type of broad. i don't fuck with complacency or stagnation all like that. i am not gonna comply just because it's suggested that i do.

that makes my life anomalous in little ways. but how i choose to express that makes all the difference. we all know folks who stifle themselves in the name of whatever. peace & quiet at home, a high-paying job that they loathe . . . it's not worth it to me. i'm worth more. always.

i just wanna be honest enough, all the time, to embrace & live that notion.