real quick

sometimes, i still wanna ignore
how hurt i was, & probably still am.
it's like a miles-deep wound, a scar across my belly
like i'm a leftover from somebody's massacre
if i try to think about it
i immediately begin to shake my head, "no,"
because it sometimes feels like i traded my sanity to have something else
& i don't even know what that something else is.

other days i'm thankful
full of joy & hopeful
looking fwd to trying it again some other time
when i have more to offer,
less to carry
& more love of self.

this year will make it five.

it's so surreal, because my brain still travels that path sometimes:
she would be five in december
i might be living in the projects or renting a shithole where i'm afraid to come home after dark
i know he'd be gone already, possibly a suicide, maybe another part of the murder rate
and there's no telling how i would be
because i wasn't fully myself back then,
i didn't know i that i was magic
i had no idea it was incumbent upon me to be the goddess
or to even respect myself enough not to let that be the case. ever again.

here's to the lost ones,
whom we tried to save from ourselves
for whatever reasons;
for my girls who've been through it, i love you & can guarantee that god loves us anyway, no matter what, all of the time.
look at the grace in your life. give thanks for where you are now.
you are a whole, beautiful, divine, capable, magical being.
you have the power to choose where your life goes. you are not bad. you are not ugly, you are neither a waste of woman nor are you scarred.
you are NOT used goods.
you are blessed.
you are not a coward.
remember that on the days it hurts the most. be glad that you're here.
somos luchadores, hermanas. somos supervivientes. somos guerreras fuertes.
please, i implore you, do not give up on yourselves. love you for all you are. you need to.

so that if you choose to go down that road again, you can hold your head high & be thankful that you're better prepared.
& that if you choose not to, you're at peace w/ that and can STILL hold your head high
because you're a child of the creator.

don't let anyone or anything take from you who you are.
every hair on your coochie, you have earned. through everything, you are your own. you are god's. we only do this stream of consciousness once. no do-overs, no take-backs.

so through the mourning, find that laughter & smile
get to the point of bliss
& be thankful

because you most certainly coulda curled up and died a long, long time ago.


(inspired by omi, who every day reminds me of who i wanna be when i grow up; for oyin, who is the most beautiful geechee woman i know; for melissa, who first held the mirror up to my face; for la flaca, who's stronger than she knows, & for sg whom i want to know that it's okay to let go of all of that bullshit.)