in my quest for humorous discourse*

i have found myself exploring the idea that how you eat your food tells about how you get down in the bedroom. to that end, i have enlisted the assistance of a buddy of mine to weigh in on the matter. don't forget: this is humorous discourse. that means you should laugh and learn at the same time. don't agree w/ what's written here? don't be mad, 'twan. i'm just sharing one man's position on something very near and dear to my heart. may the lord add a blessing to the reading of this here word.

peace and love, party people.

i make no bones about it. i love love love cunnilingus. licking the honeyhole. in simple terms, eating pussy. and being as though I'm one of them fancy Black Americans of Island descent, I've had exposure to many delectable fruits that are native to that region of the world. juicy mangos, sweet oranges and stuff like that. i credit my love of the sweet and juicy for making me the pussy eatin' champeen i am today.

i'll never forget this one day in 10th grade i was eating a peach in front of Toni Williams with the big ol' country ignorant ass and she was like "EW! DAY DAY EATING THAT LIKE HE BE EATIN BOOTY!". now you gotta understand something about me...i was a stone cold geek who APPEARED to be cool but inside, i was a nerd. and for her to blurt out that statement with me being a fresh virgin, well, if i'm sure my black ass turned blurple from blushing so hard.

but as i'm eating this peach, i was thinking in my mind..."man if booty taste like that, i can't WAIT to have me some". so later that school year, i finally got around to getting laid and i sadly discovered that while vagina is a pretty amazing thing, it don't look like no damn peaches. so it wasn't no way in hell at the age of 15 i was finna chew me some woman meat...hell no. but let's fast forward 4 years later when i was in college.

i asked my freak ass uncle rick what was the fastest way a young nigga can grow him some facial hair. he calmly says "eat some pussy,"and i laughed nervously but i was curious. i said "i never did that, uncle rick. how do you do it?" and he goes, you eat mango and peaches and oranges, right? just like that but don't use your teeth". now see, i was still skeptical because one, you keep hearing from your Jamaican side of the family that eating pussy is "filthy" and all that, you develop a slight complex. but curiosity got the best of me and i went forth with it. i can remember it clear as day. the girl sat on the edge of the bed and she had some big ol legs and i was thinking "yo, my dome is type large...what if i get stuck in her pussy vortex and die with my head all on her hoo-ha?". i mean i was nervous, jack. but i did it and i literally ate it like a sweet, juicy mango. and it tasted like it too.

you ever had a mango so juicy that you needed a bib? i have...man, if i could, i'd put a slice of mango inside a woman and hoover that sum'bitch out but i don't think that's too sanitary or comfortable but you smell me though, right? now eating pussy wasn't quite like that and i didn't know what the hell i was doing. i think it was a good 4-6 times in before i finally made her cum. gee whiz that was difficult to learn...not anything like eating a mango. you slice a mango, you put your mouth on that exposed juicy flesh and you immediately grab a napkin to catch the run down in your chin.

first of all, young brothers (and sisters, since it's that type of world), eating pussy isn't rocket science but it IS a labor of love. meaning, if you gonna just tip at it with your tongue like it's some hot broth and hold your lips all tight like you a trumpet player, you may not be one for pussy eatin...and that's cool. but if you really wanna get it in, it's simple.

there are many many many nerve endings down there, of course mostly concentrated in or around the clit. if i gotta explain this, log off and go get you some sex ed, chump. now...you have to not just lick there, but everywhere...find out what she reacts too, let the reactions inspire your movement. maybe you just like on the outside, right before the opening...maybe you slide your tounge in and out of it (i got a short ass tounge so i aint done too much tounge-fucking in my career). maybe you GENTLY open that flower up and put tight small circles around the clit...maybe you go viking style and just mash your whole damn mugpiece all on top of it and shake your head like that bamma on the Muppets that played drums in that band. you know who i'm talking about. (editor's note: the author is discussing animal, everyone's favorite wild ass muppet.) so yeah...you just gotta use your lips, mouth, tongue, face and be ATTENTIVE the whole time. don't be afraid of getting your nose, mustache, goatee, beard and eyebrows (yes, i go that hard) wet. just go in there and make your presence felt.

now i'm not sayin' i'm good at it now, but all that hoopin' and hollerin' i tend to be witness to can't all be an act, can it? i know good and damn well that if i ain't the best, i'm in the top 2% EASILY. i credit all my years of training on those sweet mangoes my Nana would buy from market. who knew that an innocent fruit would give rise to my most anticipated sexual activity. i'm telling you right now, if i ever have a son...we're gonna eat mangoes every day until we're sick of them. then when it's time to have "the talk", i can skip by the oral sex portion of it all. he'll know exactly what to do.

*again, i say unto you readers: I DID NOT WRITE THIS SHIT. really. my boy did. and i'm over here dying laughing at it. don't get all emo on me, okay? thanks.


AlteredThought said...

I am beyond willing to opnely engage any questions one may have about what I said. I'm laughing at myself now, though.

will write for food said...

okay, well then I have a question.

eyebrows though?

AlteredThought said...

I'm just saying...if you're going to do something well, do it with vigor. I'm mostly joshing with that but I totally believe in getting your whole face involved in the act.

freeagent said...

amen brother! way to commit!

will write for food said...

hmm... that DOES show commitment.

maybe you should teach classes.

AlteredThought said...

I'm all for it. I assure you that any person who follows my ten-step program should have no problem pleasing their female lover.

I can assure you of this!